Dysfunctional Family, Is it time to let them go?
I am writing this out of love and concern for the XXXXXX Family! I
am not looking for attention, sympathy, pity or comments like its just "another Julie drama"!
Enough is Enough.
I have been taking a hard look at the XXXXXX Family and at myself.
The best thing I think that this family needs to carry on and survive, is for me to step away! (what would you do?)
I am sorry for the pain and anguish I have cause to each and every member of this family.
Not going to ask for forgiveness or even ask how and why all this had started.
I am ending the problem here and now! Yes by stepping away from the XXXXXX Family unit! A cowards way out? Maybe? I am at a loss.
I feel as though I am the cause of the
problem and so by removing the problem you can start to rebuild and heal
the XXXXXX family.
( I also know I am non existent and dead to some family members! How can we be a family this way? )
How long will I stay away? I cannot say. This is a hard decision for me and only time will tell.
Right now I need to focus on my family members, I need to stay healthy for the sake of my kids and grandkids and my love.
But let’s make sure the cousins have a healthy relationship... they are our future!
Take care of yourself, your family, as well
as your brothers they are what you have left from your dad he was all
about his family especially you boys so please don’t loose that!
Until we all heal
I will keep those fond memories !
Sometimes you just have to be done, not mad, not upset.
Just done.
F.N
If you love someone(the family) you let them go.. if they come
back.. then you are a family.. if they don't.. they never were....
I
had written this letter for my mother and my 4 siblings . This decision to walk away from The Family, my mother and her sons took along time of soul searching, trying heal and deal with the situation at hand, talking with my children and my love. So this was not taken lightly.
Then, after many years of anguish.. offering apologies...and offering to talk things through and no one had taken that opportunity ...THEN!! .after been told I was a thief and untrustworthy!! That was the last and final straw!!! That was one of many accusations towards me and my children. I remove myself from the family!
My advice: Keep records. I had deleted all emails, text, and Facebook messages...
As a kid.. you have your family.. for all intense purposes.. you are a family.. through thick and thin.. good bad and ugly .. you are a family. You assume they have your back and you have theirs. The family grows with spouses, and grandkids add to the mix. Wow a family... can you see the photo of everyone around the table with the turkey. That is not to be.
I was brought up to believe that family comes first, children should respect and take care of parents. Family should and will always be there for each other!
I was raised on these beliefs and cherish them. As, I am watching my children raise their children, I want to feel that connection of my family with me. That unconditional love that these beliefs promise. But, I wonder if they were ever there.
From a young age, on my birthday, my mother always apologizing to my father that I was born a girl... and yet they have 4 sons too!
In school, I grew up being bullied... right up to graduation day. It is something I still deal with... and NOW...I feel good about myself. So, as a kid and young adult coming home.. was suppose to be a safe place.
And I thought that even when your parents are passing on.. that your Family, YOUR siblings, being with them around them...is your SAFE place... it is not to be.
What if you have a family member, married into the family that is the Bully? What do you do if the rest of the family isn't keeping you safe?
I could tell you the stories, but this writing would be in novel length... but here is a couple of small mild samples...
My brother and wife came to where I was working, met the Boss.. and in front of the boss they invite me to dinner the next night..the boss even letting me get off work early to attend dinner. When I arrive at their house at agreed time, the house is dark..no lights and they do not answer the door or phone..and their cars in the drive....
One Christmas, the ask me to pick up my parents and bring them to their house for Christmas Eve dinner.. I asked what could I bring for dinner.(silly me thinking I was invited too!) . I was then told I was not invited and if I had nothing better to do... if I could pick up and drop off my parents... I quickly booked Christmas and New Years out of town! And the stories get worse...
Now, with a large family we all know there are several kinds of characteristics, personalities, ethnic, moral, ideals... heck, I know we all don't vote the same... that is who we are we are human beings with different ideas..
so..
I always thought that a family is:
acceptance,
tolerance
love
respect
communication
faith in each other
trust in each other
like
listening
hearing
caring
laughter
talking
perseverance
responsibility
growth
uniqueness
community
diversity
integrity
change
don't look back
look forward
happiness
gratitude
appreciative
hope
open-mindedness
kindness and most very most of all is... 100% FORGIVENESS
Forgiveness
But, how does a family self destruct ? How did we let it? Why hasn't anyone else in the family step up to say or do something? Why did the parent let it happen? Why did other siblings and family members let it happen?
I needed to make a change in my life, for me, my health, for my children and my love.
I need to be happy! I need to sleep at night. I need not to dread what was said, etc.
I found the following article which I am quoting and agree with Sherrie's statements 100%!
*. Sherrie Campbell is a psychologist, nationally recognized expert and the author of Loving Yourself: The Mastery of Being Your Own Person. Please join her Facebook page www.Facebook.com/sherriecampbellphd.
* I do not feel anger or resentment towards them because I took away their power to continually create chaos in my life. I do not wish them harm and in many ways I am thankful for the experience, and I do not want them in my life.
Cutting ties with family members is one of the hardest decisions we may face in life because we are conditioned to believe that to terminate relationships with "family" is morally and inherently wrong. The facts are that "family members" are just people and not always healthy people, and if these people weren't family we would never choose them to be a part of our lives due to their poor treatment of us. Therefore, under the ideal of family we spend years sacrificing our mental and emotional health in abusive relationships under the notion that we "have to" because these people are our family. We are conditioned to believe that if we end relationships with them that we are "bad" and no one wants to be or feel like they are an inherently bad person.
It is time to terminate a relationship when the only contact you have with them is negative.
The contact you have with them serves to bring you down, put you down and/or make you feel you are not good enough, or you haven't done enough for them.
When the relationship creates so much stress that it impacts the important areas of your life at work and/or at home. When your emotions are totally caught up in defending yourself and wanting to explain yourself and the chaos of your relationships with these people is all you talk about, it is time to let go.
To the point you are losing sleep over it you are becoming poisoned with their toxicity. Gossip only serves one family member to get others to gang up on you and you are left defenseless against the false beliefs about you being thrown your way. There is usually a ring leader gathering the troops for the assault and because they are joined together you begin to wonder if it is, in fact, you, that is the problem.
We can see that we do not stand a chance in changing these people and that by letting them continue to abuse us also teaches them nothing. It makes them devoid of the natural consequences this kind of treatment should have. So, when you choose to sever ties you not only stand tall in your own health and self-love but you gift them the natural consequences their treatment of you merits.
I do not hate them, and I do not need them. I happy without them.*
Update:
After writing the letter, and putting together my blog.... I have been sleeping very well. There are days I feel like I am grieving the loss of family.. thankfully I have the love of my life helping me day to day.. friends who love and support me.. and best of all my children and grand children.. they keep me focused, happy full of life and loves... I see my future and it is full of sunshine! There will be days that will be like when someone dies, that kind of grief.... I will fall in a pit and lick my wounds.. but with strength from the people who see the Real me.. I will survive...
Update: Nov 7/19
Then, after many years of anguish.. offering apologies...and offering to talk things through and no one had taken that opportunity ...THEN!! .after been told I was a thief and untrustworthy!! That was the last and final straw!!! That was one of many accusations towards me and my children. I remove myself from the family!
My advice: Keep records. I had deleted all emails, text, and Facebook messages...
As a kid.. you have your family.. for all intense purposes.. you are a family.. through thick and thin.. good bad and ugly .. you are a family. You assume they have your back and you have theirs. The family grows with spouses, and grandkids add to the mix. Wow a family... can you see the photo of everyone around the table with the turkey. That is not to be.
I was brought up to believe that family comes first, children should respect and take care of parents. Family should and will always be there for each other!
I was raised on these beliefs and cherish them. As, I am watching my children raise their children, I want to feel that connection of my family with me. That unconditional love that these beliefs promise. But, I wonder if they were ever there.
From a young age, on my birthday, my mother always apologizing to my father that I was born a girl... and yet they have 4 sons too!
In school, I grew up being bullied... right up to graduation day. It is something I still deal with... and NOW...I feel good about myself. So, as a kid and young adult coming home.. was suppose to be a safe place.
And I thought that even when your parents are passing on.. that your Family, YOUR siblings, being with them around them...is your SAFE place... it is not to be.
What if you have a family member, married into the family that is the Bully? What do you do if the rest of the family isn't keeping you safe?
I could tell you the stories, but this writing would be in novel length... but here is a couple of small mild samples...
My brother and wife came to where I was working, met the Boss.. and in front of the boss they invite me to dinner the next night..the boss even letting me get off work early to attend dinner. When I arrive at their house at agreed time, the house is dark..no lights and they do not answer the door or phone..and their cars in the drive....
One Christmas, the ask me to pick up my parents and bring them to their house for Christmas Eve dinner.. I asked what could I bring for dinner.(silly me thinking I was invited too!) . I was then told I was not invited and if I had nothing better to do... if I could pick up and drop off my parents... I quickly booked Christmas and New Years out of town! And the stories get worse...
Now, with a large family we all know there are several kinds of characteristics, personalities, ethnic, moral, ideals... heck, I know we all don't vote the same... that is who we are we are human beings with different ideas..
so..
I always thought that a family is:
acceptance,
tolerance
love
respect
communication
faith in each other
trust in each other
like
listening
hearing
caring
laughter
talking
perseverance
responsibility
growth
uniqueness
community
diversity
integrity
change
don't look back
look forward
happiness
gratitude
appreciative
hope
open-mindedness
kindness and most very most of all is... 100% FORGIVENESS
Forgiveness
But, how does a family self destruct ? How did we let it? Why hasn't anyone else in the family step up to say or do something? Why did the parent let it happen? Why did other siblings and family members let it happen?
I needed to make a change in my life, for me, my health, for my children and my love.
I need to be happy! I need to sleep at night. I need not to dread what was said, etc.
I found the following article which I am quoting and agree with Sherrie's statements 100%!
*. Sherrie Campbell is a psychologist, nationally recognized expert and the author of Loving Yourself: The Mastery of Being Your Own Person. Please join her Facebook page www.Facebook.com/sherriecampbellphd.
* I do not feel anger or resentment towards them because I took away their power to continually create chaos in my life. I do not wish them harm and in many ways I am thankful for the experience, and I do not want them in my life.
Cutting ties with family members is one of the hardest decisions we may face in life because we are conditioned to believe that to terminate relationships with "family" is morally and inherently wrong. The facts are that "family members" are just people and not always healthy people, and if these people weren't family we would never choose them to be a part of our lives due to their poor treatment of us. Therefore, under the ideal of family we spend years sacrificing our mental and emotional health in abusive relationships under the notion that we "have to" because these people are our family. We are conditioned to believe that if we end relationships with them that we are "bad" and no one wants to be or feel like they are an inherently bad person.
It is time to terminate a relationship when the only contact you have with them is negative.
The contact you have with them serves to bring you down, put you down and/or make you feel you are not good enough, or you haven't done enough for them.
When the relationship creates so much stress that it impacts the important areas of your life at work and/or at home. When your emotions are totally caught up in defending yourself and wanting to explain yourself and the chaos of your relationships with these people is all you talk about, it is time to let go.
To the point you are losing sleep over it you are becoming poisoned with their toxicity. Gossip only serves one family member to get others to gang up on you and you are left defenseless against the false beliefs about you being thrown your way. There is usually a ring leader gathering the troops for the assault and because they are joined together you begin to wonder if it is, in fact, you, that is the problem.
We can see that we do not stand a chance in changing these people and that by letting them continue to abuse us also teaches them nothing. It makes them devoid of the natural consequences this kind of treatment should have. So, when you choose to sever ties you not only stand tall in your own health and self-love but you gift them the natural consequences their treatment of you merits.
I do not hate them, and I do not need them. I happy without them.*
Update:
After writing the letter, and putting together my blog.... I have been sleeping very well. There are days I feel like I am grieving the loss of family.. thankfully I have the love of my life helping me day to day.. friends who love and support me.. and best of all my children and grand children.. they keep me focused, happy full of life and loves... I see my future and it is full of sunshine! There will be days that will be like when someone dies, that kind of grief.... I will fall in a pit and lick my wounds.. but with strength from the people who see the Real me.. I will survive...
Update: Nov 7/19
I think I should of sat my grown up Children down, and shared this experience with them. I don't want them not to have a relationship with their grandmother or uncles.. but they should know the story.
I am a stronger person because of life's experiences... and I am a GOOD Person!!
If this blog helps one person.. I would be truly grateful.
Thank you for allowing me to write, vent and share.
Take care of you.. and Yes it is about you!! You matter!
Jewels
Comments
Post a Comment